They say that the hardest time for a caregiver is when their person will not eat or drink. When I learned that while researching the process I thought unemotionally, "Come on people (the ones that say it is a hard stage) it is part of the process, stop being so emotional, deal with it, it will be fine!"
Then today I was walking to the garage, thinking about how Mom will not eat or drink and I felt so overwhelmed, "What if this is not part of the process, what if I am doing something wrong, what if she does not like my cooking, what if she is miserable, and I am calmly attributing it to the dreaded "process"." And then immediately I realized I am the "people" I mentioned above. I hate it when my Mom's voice rings in my ear, "Don't criticize someone if you have not walked a mile in their moccasins."
So yes this is a very difficult stage, most difficult I will now have to concur because this is the only stage where I am not able to fix it, work through it knowing I am doing my best, or make it better. I am supposed to be taking care of her! Isn't food and water a pretty important thing and I cannot even do that! All I can do is sit by and watch ... this stage can definitely bring about feelings of sadness that I have never had before.
I keep asking her if she is hungry, usually she says nothing, sometimes she says No, but she never says Yes.
And there is the sleep ... yes part of the process! I still have her on her same schedule, getting her up throughout the day, but all she does is sleep in her wheelchair or her recliner. I do ask her if she wants to get up and she usually says yes but if she says no I let her stay in bed longer. I do not let her stay long though because she will get too stiff. And then there is the issue of the bedsores! No eating, no protein, no healing, so more risk of bedsores. So can't let her lay around too much!! "No acting like a teenager Mom, get up, get up!" ;)
Last there is the detachment, she is very withdrawn ... hospice says they are letting go, doing business with God, they cannot focus on where they are going until they start letting go of what they are leaving behind. So I don't know what to think, I mean who really knows, right?
tell me if this one goes through, if it does i will try again
ReplyDeleteBeverly..I, too like you went through this terrible phase of my mother not wanting anything to eat or drink. I would lovingly and gladly cook all her favorite dishes but..then the favorite dishes turned into..."I never ate that before, I don't like that and finally...I am full or can't eat any more" when she had only been given a few bites.
ReplyDeleteI would tenderly root her onward by saying, "Just one more bite mom, one more will lead to better days and we will beat this thing, you will gain weight, you will get stronger." Sadly, it just Never happened and without all my soul to this day I simply cannot figure out why..not just one more bite? If only I could of got mom to eat then she would of won! She could of beat this horrible disease if..she has just eaten.
I continued to feed her tiny amounts from a syringe the last six weeks of mom's life three times daily of numerous baby foods, the foods I thought perhaps would not taste too terribly bad because they were similar to the veggies she had eaten her entire life. In order to get her to open her mouth so I could place the syringe gently on her tongue to deliver some type of nourishment and fluid intake I would call her..my little birdie. Mom would say, "little birdie" and open her tiny mouth for me. To this day I can actually hear her voice still saying...little birdie to me. Indeed, she was my "little birdie" and I was the mom protecting and taking care of my little one until she was well, strong and able to fly, fly away and sore to new heights and dimensions in her days.
She, too like your mom began to swell in her hands. Some days it was like if you took a needle you could actually pop the fluid underneath her skin and then the swelling would diminish. I would gently and lovingly keep her hands upon a pillow to assist with the diminishing process, so her hands would return to normal again. Sometimes it hurt me just to look at my mom's hands that use to be so tiny, so feminine in frame size and now they were full and big.
Mom, she slept a lot also during the end of her journey. Very little communication between the two of us. Only silence, love and continued hope from a daughter's heart, the only gift I could give my precious mom. A gift that to me didn't seem adequate enough after her life time of nothing but unselfish devotion and love to others. How I always wanted to be able to do so much for her but..now all I could do was stand by and quietly watch the years finally come to an end but..during her own ending I finally realized I did give my mom the most loving and priceless gift of all....a child's devotion and love back to her. The circle of love was now...complete!
Dianne, I do not think a there is a child in this world that was there for her parent more than you! Ya know studies show that less food is better for a person in later years so had she eaten more I do not think your Mom would have won the battle ... she was just going through the process God so brilliantly created. And as much as I will miss my Mom I know that both your Mom and my Mom is/will be so much happier when free of their earthly bonds and so I do not think they will regret or question any of the decisions we made as caretakers!! Thanks for posting!
ReplyDeleteOh, Beverly thank you for your writings, your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions regarding this journey. Thank you for reaching out to me with compassion, love and understanding to provide me with comfort and hope that I, as a child did the Best I could for my mother out of love. God bless!
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