Friday, September 16, 2011
"Well why are you yelling?"
“She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.”
It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 am, when an elderly gentleman, in his 80′s, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him.
I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had a doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer Disease.
As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him. “And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?”
He smiled as he patted my hand and said. “She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.” Author Unknown
I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had a doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer Disease.
As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him. “And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?”
He smiled as he patted my hand and said. “She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.” Author Unknown
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I remember you with my heart ...
Jennifer and Mom
I wonder who decided that a person's worth was measured by what they do and not who they are. Maybe nobody did, maybe this is just some rule we impose on ourselves. Or maybe this is something I have imposed on myself. Most of the time I am ruled by my heart and when I do that I feel like taking care of my Mom is a valuable thing. But then there are times, not often but none the less overwhelming, when I let my head do the ruling. It is those times that I put too much value on what a person does out there ... in the world, in the workplace, instead of what you do in the home and with your family. And so then my self esteem plummets and I do the ugly cry and I tell Louis I feel like I do not have anything to contribute to the conversation because all I do is change diapers all day. And he says I do not think that, we have conversations, you stay connected to the news and you read, we have things to talk about. He is right I know ...
One thing that I do notice is how caught up I get in Mom and the little things she does and says, the things she says with her eyes. But those things are hard to share with people that do not have a similar experience. When we talk about things in the workplace pretty much anyone can relate at some level, have something to compare it to. I compare talking about my Mom to talking about workplace issues with someone who has never worked outside the home, or talking about your new baby with someone who has never had kids.
If you are around my Mom for less than 72 hours or you have never cared for someone with Alzheimers it will be pretty hard for you to buy into my stories about her. It will be easy for you to think, "There is no way, I have been around Grace, there is nothing there, she is out of it, she does not have the cognitive ability to understand that." I can totally understand my brother's frustration now when he took care of my Mom. He had these experiences with her and he wanted so badly for family to believe that there was a lot more to Mom than meets the eyes. I was guilty of sometimes feeling like he wanted so badly for that to be the case that he imagined her having moments of such clarity and humor. I have learned that he was right because she still has those moments, there is so much behind those eyes if you look deep enough. And she is much farther along in the disease now than she was then.
I posted a poem earlier in the blog and here it is again. I love it because it so clearly says what I believe is in Mom's eyes when family comes around. I have always told people that she may not remember who you are but I think she remembers that you represent a good feeling and a good memory. I was just not talented enough to put it in a poem.
I remember you with my heart.
My mind can't say your name.
I can’t recall where I knew you,
or who you are,
or who I am.
Maybe I grew up with you.
Maybe we were family together.
Did we walk together yesterday?
There’s something wrong -
with my memory.
But I do know you.
I know I know you.
I know I love you.
I know how you made me feel.
I remember the feelings -
we had together.
My heart remembers.
It cries out in loneliness for you.
For the feelings you give me now.
Today, I’m happy that you have come.
When you leave -
my mind will not remember -
that you were here.
But my heart still remembers.
Remembers the feeling of warmth
and love returned.
Remembers that I am less lonely -
and happier today -
because you have come.
Please, please don’t forget me.
Please don’t stay away just
because of how my mind works.
I can still feel you.
I can still remember you with my heart.
A Memory of the heart is really -
the most important memory of all.
Author Unknown
Monday, September 12, 2011
Love Letter August 9, 1944 - Before E-Mail there was V-Mail
Me: In this letter Dad talks about V-Mail being so informal as compared to the handwritten letter. He was wise beyond his time, he knew how detrimental it could be to become reliant on V-Mail, an earlier form of E-Mail.
V-mail, short for Victory Mail, is a hybrid mail process used during the Second World War in America as the primary and secure method to correspond with soldiers stationed abroad. To reduce the logistics of transferring an original letter across the military postal system, a V-mail letter would be censored, copied to film, and printed back to paper upon arrival at its destination.
The picture above is of my Grandmother Zabielski. My Dad was always so respectful of his Ma. They say you can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother. I remember when Grandmother got old and senile (that is what they called it back then) and she came to live with Mom and Dad. Mom took care of her because Dad worked. That played an important part in my decision to have Mom come here to live. I felt like she earned some pennies from Heaven for taking care of Grandmother and so she deserved a chance to cash them in.
9 August 1944
India
Dearest Grace,
I received your letter dated July 16 and I sure did find it a very welcome and interesting letter.
I started to write you a letter last night on V-mail, but it seemed to me very informal to write in V-mail. In the second place, half way finished with your letter I ran out of ink so I postponed it till today.
They had some Sunken Gardens up at San Angelo and I really thought they were beautiful. I know what you mean when you describe those at San Antonio.
I know that Lt’s are wolfs also, and now that incident that you mentioned convinces me that I was right.
Last night after work I went to see our Squadron play the M.P.’s baseball team. We won the game 2 to 1. After that I started to write you a letter but could not finish it. I’m sorry. After that I went to a show. Had a little trouble cause they announced all men in overalls would have to leave the show and so all the men in overalls left and the guys who were dressed in Khakis left also. The guys in khaki uniforms did not go back until they allowed the guys in overalls in. They finally let every one in.
They guys were sure mad cause they didn’t mind dressing up in their dress clothes in public cause then you are living up to the standards of our Army, but when they made us dress in dress clothes in the field where no public is allowed sure made the men angry.
Nothing more to say only that I am well and healthy and I sure do miss you. I wish that you were here so I could hug and squeeze you till you say stop. Honey, do you miss me as much as I miss you?
How is every one at home? Well and happy, I hope. Did you hear from W.R. lately?
So, honey, I’ll close with love and yours, always,
Ray
P.S. Enclosed is a clipping on why I am now overseas.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Times like these ...
Times like this make it all worth it!
It does not happen often that Mom is affectionate but when she is she reaches out her hand. Life with Mom is a roller coaster of emotions. Here is how today went and you will see what I mean. This is a pretty typical day.
This morning I was in tears because once in awhile I get overwhelmed with the feeling that I do not take very good care of Mom. I know I am good with her mentally and emotionally but physically it seems to be one thing after another. Bunni convinced me that moving her here was still the best thing for her ... then we laughed about whatever it is we laugh at (only we think we are funny) and then I moved on to the business at hand.
Mom was not in a great mood this AM, actually she was a handful! She was watching her movie and yelling at it ... I kept telling her, "It is okay, it is just a movie." I think she was upset because Gus was talking to another woman! Finally I said, "Mom I think you need to watch some church!" Louis busted out laughing from the office! I turned it to my pre-recorded Sunday Mass and the first thing that is said is "... acknowledge your sins and ask forgiveness ... " I laughed and said "See Mom!" She totally calmed and tuned in to that Mass. I know those familiar prayers were a comfort to her.
Then it was shower time, it went as well as can be expected so when we were finished I asked her, "Mom are you mad at me?" And she loudly, without hesitation said, "YES!"
Needless to say, WE were now both ready for a nap! When she woke up she had the sweetest smile on her face and when I asked her if she was ready to get up she so sweetly said, "Yea!" Hmmmm ... I wonder ... where is that woman I put in this bed? She is no where to be found.
We sit down to dinner and at one point she starts trying to get involved in the conversation, she stammers, "uh uh uh, ah ah ah, one one one, two two two, ah ah ah", and then with such pain in her eyes she manages to say, "I I I caaaaant s s s ay i i t. And I just want to cry, I say "I know Mom, I hate that aphasia, because I know you have so much you want to say". I can only imagine the wonderful conversations we could have, it breaks my heart. I talk to her but half the time she looks at me like she is thinking, "You are such a dork", or "You sure do talk a lot". ; )
Then we go for our walk and she is responsive and enthusiastic about it. She loves being outside so after our walk we always sit on the porch and watch the sunset. This is when she reaches out her hand.
Finally we come in and she sits in the big chair while I blog. Periodically she has a sundowner spell where I have to say, "Mom! Use your inside voice!" LOL!
I cannot underestimate how much taking care of an elderly parent with alzheimers is like taking care of a baby. Think of everything you do or did with a baby and that is what I do with Mom right down to tip-toeing into her room when she is asleep, where I have a small lamp on, and I check on her. And when she is so still, just to be sure, I watch for the rise and fall of her chest to make sure she is still breathing, just like I did with my daughters.
I frequent a page on Facebook for folks that take care of their parents. So many of them take their parents anger and ugliness personal. Ya know I have never done that because I know my Mom, she has never been angry at her kids, she was and I believe still is, so wonderful at unconditional love. That does not mean I do not have to speak up at times. I do sometimes say, "whatever Mom, you do not get to treat me like that", and I leave the room. I feel so sure she understands and feels remorse for it because there has not ever been a time that she has not been sweet and cooperative when I return.
And then it is bedtime, time to rest up, she says, so I can toy with you again tomorrow! Well no, she does not really say that but she is probably thinking it!
It does not happen often that Mom is affectionate but when she is she reaches out her hand. Life with Mom is a roller coaster of emotions. Here is how today went and you will see what I mean. This is a pretty typical day.
This morning I was in tears because once in awhile I get overwhelmed with the feeling that I do not take very good care of Mom. I know I am good with her mentally and emotionally but physically it seems to be one thing after another. Bunni convinced me that moving her here was still the best thing for her ... then we laughed about whatever it is we laugh at (only we think we are funny) and then I moved on to the business at hand.
Mom was not in a great mood this AM, actually she was a handful! She was watching her movie and yelling at it ... I kept telling her, "It is okay, it is just a movie." I think she was upset because Gus was talking to another woman! Finally I said, "Mom I think you need to watch some church!" Louis busted out laughing from the office! I turned it to my pre-recorded Sunday Mass and the first thing that is said is "... acknowledge your sins and ask forgiveness ... " I laughed and said "See Mom!" She totally calmed and tuned in to that Mass. I know those familiar prayers were a comfort to her.
Then it was shower time, it went as well as can be expected so when we were finished I asked her, "Mom are you mad at me?" And she loudly, without hesitation said, "YES!"
Needless to say, WE were now both ready for a nap! When she woke up she had the sweetest smile on her face and when I asked her if she was ready to get up she so sweetly said, "Yea!" Hmmmm ... I wonder ... where is that woman I put in this bed? She is no where to be found.
We sit down to dinner and at one point she starts trying to get involved in the conversation, she stammers, "uh uh uh, ah ah ah, one one one, two two two, ah ah ah", and then with such pain in her eyes she manages to say, "I I I caaaaant s s s ay i i t. And I just want to cry, I say "I know Mom, I hate that aphasia, because I know you have so much you want to say". I can only imagine the wonderful conversations we could have, it breaks my heart. I talk to her but half the time she looks at me like she is thinking, "You are such a dork", or "You sure do talk a lot". ; )
Then we go for our walk and she is responsive and enthusiastic about it. She loves being outside so after our walk we always sit on the porch and watch the sunset. This is when she reaches out her hand.
Finally we come in and she sits in the big chair while I blog. Periodically she has a sundowner spell where I have to say, "Mom! Use your inside voice!" LOL!
I cannot underestimate how much taking care of an elderly parent with alzheimers is like taking care of a baby. Think of everything you do or did with a baby and that is what I do with Mom right down to tip-toeing into her room when she is asleep, where I have a small lamp on, and I check on her. And when she is so still, just to be sure, I watch for the rise and fall of her chest to make sure she is still breathing, just like I did with my daughters.
I frequent a page on Facebook for folks that take care of their parents. So many of them take their parents anger and ugliness personal. Ya know I have never done that because I know my Mom, she has never been angry at her kids, she was and I believe still is, so wonderful at unconditional love. That does not mean I do not have to speak up at times. I do sometimes say, "whatever Mom, you do not get to treat me like that", and I leave the room. I feel so sure she understands and feels remorse for it because there has not ever been a time that she has not been sweet and cooperative when I return.
And then it is bedtime, time to rest up, she says, so I can toy with you again tomorrow! Well no, she does not really say that but she is probably thinking it!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Same old, Same old ...
Well I have not written much lately because nothing has changed much, we are falling into a pretty good routine. The weather has been great so we have been able to go outside more and even take a walk up the road and back. Mom loves going outside, she does not want to come in.
She loves watching Lonesome Dove, it calms her almost as much as my singing does! I think she has a crush on Gus! The bad part about that is, while she is watching that I should do other things but I love that movie so I end up having a hard time working anywhere but the living room where the TV just so happens to be. The living room stays very clean though! If you have not seen it you must see it ... and you need to watch it at least twice because the second time you pick up on so much that you missed the first time.
I have been letting her call the shots more in regards to her schedule. I let her sleep later in the AM because she seems to be easier to work with than when she gets up early. To all my siblings, if we thought Mom was a morning person she was faking it! She is not a morning person!! Also, I am not stressing so much if she does not take her medicine right on time. Eventually she will work with me!
Well she is watching her movie so back to work ... let me see is there anything that needs to be done here in the living room ... hmmmmmm!
She loves watching Lonesome Dove, it calms her almost as much as my singing does! I think she has a crush on Gus! The bad part about that is, while she is watching that I should do other things but I love that movie so I end up having a hard time working anywhere but the living room where the TV just so happens to be. The living room stays very clean though! If you have not seen it you must see it ... and you need to watch it at least twice because the second time you pick up on so much that you missed the first time.
I have been letting her call the shots more in regards to her schedule. I let her sleep later in the AM because she seems to be easier to work with than when she gets up early. To all my siblings, if we thought Mom was a morning person she was faking it! She is not a morning person!! Also, I am not stressing so much if she does not take her medicine right on time. Eventually she will work with me!
Well she is watching her movie so back to work ... let me see is there anything that needs to be done here in the living room ... hmmmmmm!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
What Alzheimers does ...
This poem totally explains what I believe Mom feels.
I remember you with my heart.
My mind can't say your name.
I can’t recall where I knew you,
or who you are,
or who I am.
Maybe I grew up with you.
Maybe we were family together.
Did we walk together yesterday?
There’s something wrong -
with my memory.
But I do know you.
I know I know you.
I know I love you.
I know how you made me feel.
I remember the feelings -
we had together.
My heart remembers.
It cries out in loneliness for you.
For the feelings you give me now.
Today, I’m happy that you have come.
When you leave -
my mind will not remember -
that you were here.
But my heart still remembers.
Remembers the feeling of warmth
and love returned.
Remembers that I am less lonely -
and happier today -
because you have come.
Please, please don’t forget me.
Please don’t stay away just
because of how my mind works.
I can still feel you.
I can still remember you with my heart.
A Memory of the heart is really -
the most important memory of all.
(Original Author Unknown – named, revised and edited by Stan Berg 5/6/2008.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)