I remember you with my heart ...

Jennifer and Mom




I wonder who decided that a person's worth was measured by what they do and not who they are. Maybe nobody did, maybe this is just some rule we impose on ourselves. Or maybe this is something I have imposed on myself. Most of the time I am ruled by my heart and when I do that I feel like taking care of my Mom is a valuable thing. But then there are times, not often but none the less overwhelming, when I let my head do the ruling. It is those times that I put too much value on what a person does out there ... in the world, in the workplace, instead of what you do in the home and with your family. And so then my self esteem plummets and I do the ugly cry and I tell Louis I feel like I do not have anything to contribute to the conversation because all I do is change diapers all day. And he says I do not think that, we have conversations, you stay connected to the news and you read, we have things to talk about. He is right I know ...

One thing that I do notice is how caught up I get in Mom and the little things she does and says, the things she says with her eyes. But those things are hard to share with people that do not have a similar experience. When we talk about things in the workplace pretty much anyone can relate at some level, have something to compare it to. I compare talking about my Mom to talking about workplace issues with someone who has never worked outside the home, or talking about your new baby with someone who has never had kids.

If you are around my Mom for less than 72 hours or you have never cared for someone with Alzheimers it will be pretty hard for you to buy into my stories about her. It will be easy for you to think, "There is no way, I have been around Grace, there is nothing there, she is out of it, she does not have the cognitive ability to understand that." I can totally understand my brother's frustration now when he took care of my Mom. He had these experiences with her and he wanted so badly for family to believe that there was a lot more to Mom than meets the eyes. I was guilty of sometimes feeling like he wanted so badly for that to be the case that he imagined her having moments of such clarity and humor. I have learned that he was right because she still has those moments, there is so much behind those eyes if you look deep enough. And she is much farther along in the disease now than she was then.

I posted a poem earlier in the blog and here it is again. I love it because it so clearly says what I believe is in Mom's eyes when family comes around. I have always told people that she may not remember who you are but I think she remembers that you represent a good feeling and a good memory. I was just not talented enough to put it in a poem.

I remember you with my heart.
My mind can't say your name.
I can’t recall where I knew you,
or who you are,
or who I am.
Maybe I grew up with you.
Maybe we were family together.
Did we walk together yesterday?
There’s something wrong -
with my memory.
But I do know you.
I know I know you.
I know I love you.
I know how you made me feel.
I remember the feelings -
we had together.
My heart remembers.
It cries out in loneliness for you.
For the feelings you give me now.
Today, I’m happy that you have come.
When you leave -
my mind will not remember -
that you were here.
But my heart still remembers.
Remembers the feeling of warmth
and love returned.
Remembers that I am less lonely -
and happier today -
because you have come.
Please, please don’t forget me.
Please don’t stay away just
because of how my mind works.
I can still feel you.
I can still remember you with my heart.
A Memory of the heart is really -
the most important memory of all.

Author Unknown