Memories

Wednesday we had the Memorial Mass and Graveside Service for Mom and it was nice. At the cemetery I had a pretty substantial feeling of heaviness in my chest because standing there so close to the house she loved so much I could not believe she was under all of that dirt. As an adult I know that all that is really there is a shell and the person that she was, her spirit and her soul had moved on, but for some reason the child in me could not grab on to that spirit.

Instead I wanted to be next to my Mom in her sundress working with her roses, watching TV while she works on her needlework, sitting at the dining room table having sugar cookies and hot tea while solving the worlds problems, watching her eat and sincerely enjoy that un-toasted white bread with only cinnamon on it that a 5 yr old Jennifer made and called cinnamon toast. I never remember my Mom really being mad at me but she had this magical, subliminal way of letting me know she was disappointed in me. I remember Bunni and I came home from Bunni's Senior party very drunk. She did not say anything but the next morning she made us do some serious housework knowing that we did not feel very good at all. Of course we could not say we felt bad or she might know ... in hindsight though she knew and we got the message she was not happy with us!!

I miss calling my Mom for advice ... it was ALWAYS good and it ALWAYS worked. Back then it never occurred to me that I would not be able to call her right up until the end and get that same advice. In the last months I did talk to her about stuff because I started to believe she understood more than we had believed. And then I searched her expression and my memories for the answers.

And then there are the letters from the places she got retirement from. They go something like this ...

"Dear Ms. Shorter,

We are very sorry for your loss. We send our sincere condolences.

But she does not get any more money so if some shows up in the bank have them send it back."

Oh I get it but I kind of wish they would have left off the niceties. The bluntness kind of discounted the niceness. ;)

Overall I am doing pretty good ... my slumps do not last as long but the bedroom is still a work in progress. I often wear one of her shirts or headbands or robes ... it makes me feel close to her. Love you Mom!