The recliner aka the Big Chair ...

I have had a tough couple of days with Mom while the doctor and I try to iron out Mom's medication. That on top of having to talk to the girl in his office (she is torture). I think sometimes that to work in a doctors office it is a prerequisite to be rude, indifferent, and insensitive. I am one of those that can pretty much break the ice and make someone laugh to assure myself good service anywhere I go but I have the worst luck with that with a doc's office staff!

Anyway, what the heck does any of that have to do with the recliner? Absolutely nothing!! Just venting.

Mom has moved in!! This is not that big of a deal I am sure to those of you reading this but to me it is! It is so heartwarming to have Mom as part of the family here. I remember in the days just before she moved in I would be all giddy telling Louis, x# of sleeps and Mom will be sitting there watching TV with us. For some reason that scenario gave me such a sense of family, ya know like the Walton's! ; ) When she finally got here she did not seem to be as enthusiastic about TV nights as I was. ;( Until tonight ... not only was she enthused about coming to the Living Room and sitting in the "big chair" and watch TV with us but when I asked her if she was ready to go to bed (which is a usual YES) she said NO! Not that she even had her face turned slightly to the TV but I do believe she has settled in and she enjoys being a part of the family, part of the conversation and part of the hubbub!!! Oh yes she is listening ... DO NOT let the picture fool you!

SIDENOTE: If you have a family member with AlZ/Dementia do not take them to the hospital unless it is an absolutely last resort and you have not decided on a hospice type scenario. It is torture for the elderly because they do not understand what is going on. It really sets them back

Core Values via One- Liners

A Soldier, my dad, Somewhere in the mountains of India, 1944

Laverne:

There is the experience, the memory and then there is a photograph. How much we get to know about someone seems to be based on many factors. Even though there are seven children in my family and all raised by the same parents, my father and mother, as naive, young, first time parents were totally different people when it was time to raise my younger siblings 17 years later. Or were they? Does the essence of who we are persevere?

Me: I am thinking about what Laverne wrote above and I think Mom and Dad were different with the "second family" in that they were more seasoned. The first family toughened them up and so consequently made them more laid back. I think after they "survived" all of the mishaps of the first four kids they realized, "Okay so that was not so bad, we survived and we came out on the other side pretty much unscathed, I can't believe we were worried" So with us they already knew what the other side looked like and so it was not looming out there. I always appreciated my older siblings for training them for us!

I do think the core values they had were the same from beginning to end though like: work smart not hard; if you cannot say anything nice do not say anything at all; they cannot get your goat if you do not tell them where it is tied; give yourself enough time so you are not late; if God had wanted holes in your ears he would have put them there; if it is not morally wrong and does not do physical harm do not say no to your kids. Mom said that way they will trust you and so when you do find it necessary to say no they will listen. Mom tells a story of how she was just a very little girl and she was walking the path from the house to the barn. Her Mother looked out the kitchen window and saw a rattlesnake right in front of her in the path. Grandmother yelled, "Grace Laverne Tilson you stop right where you are!" Because my Grandmother was not the type to rattle off "No" at the drop of a hat without good reason my Mother respected her and knew she always had her best interests at heart ... so she stopped dead in her tracks She did not move until Granddaddy came and killed the snake. I am willing to bet there are many young kids these days that would have gotten bit by that snake. It seems sometimes Mom and Dad raised us right with wise one-liners more than lectures or because I said so stuff!

Dads letter to Mom:

July 27, 1944

Somewhere in India

Dearest Grace,

Good morning honey. I just got up and ate breakfast, had you on my mind and figured I’d write you a few lines. Bore you a little.

Had a very good breakfast - -fresh fried sunny side up eggs and pork sausage, cereal and cantaloupe. The breakfast I had at your house beat this though. I really could go for a breakfast like that. Bacon and eggs, cream and cereal. Good old official cream also, not canned milk like we have here. Enough about food. I guess I’ve said enough, always complaining.

What have you been doing in the past few days? I hope your trip to Ft. Worth was a good one. So far I’ve been in Bombay and the city is nothing like anything in Texas. All they seem to have is peddlers in the streets, trying to sell you something you don’t want and they usually sell it to you, too.

Last night I went to a show here on the field. It was an out door movie. It rained at the beginning but stopped later on. I saw “So’s Your Uncle” and part of “There’s Something about a Soldier.” About ¾ through the 2nd picture it started to rain cats and dogs. I was soaked to the skin.

How do you feel about me honey, still the same way? I hope you do. I’m nuts about you. I wish we get things ironed out between you and I soon. Say, you never told me if the flowers arrived the day of your graduation or late. They were scheduled to arrive the day you graduated at school.

I sent you a picture. Not very good, but I guess it will have to do till I can get a good one.

Remember when I met you at Fort Worth and started a conversation, I said I sure would like to have you for a sweet heart and then when I did write you a few letters and we got better acquainted I sorta hinted around for you to invite me over to your place. You finally gave in, and after I left I figured you were sorry you ever met me. The guys at camp ribbed me cause I traveled 300 miles to see you and I disappointed you. I was kinda down in the dumps. Then when I heard from you again just before shipping for overseas telling me you cared a little I was really happy and then I knew I had something to go for and come back for.

I’ll be waiting for that picture you promised to send me. If you have not sent it out hold onto it till I give you my newest address. I’ll write you as soon as I receive the candy.

My younger brother has been rejected by the Army because of a weak heart. The folks were kinda glad in one way but sad to hear he had a weak heart. (Raining again)

I guess I’ll close now but before I close I want to ask you one more question. When is your birthday?

Lovingly yours,

always

Ray

Who is calling the shots?

Getting Mom changed, medicated and in bed was tough tonight. Louis nailed it when he said sometimes Mom seems like she knows what we need to happen to make it work and so she does the exact opposite. When I tried to give her her medicine she clamped down her teeth so tight, there was no way to get past them. I got a little loud saying "MOM, pleeeeaase open your mouth and she said "Okay" with a smirk, she opened her mouth a little bit and I said "Ok thanks, can you open it a little more?" She said "I caaan't". Hmmmmm ... so no medicine for her tonight. So ok then I will let her call the shots, if she does not want to take her medicine I am not going to make her. Besides I can't make her without calling in troops to hold her mouth open and risk choking her! I think sometimes Mom just gets tired of not being able to make her own decisions and so she clamps down, whether it be her teeth, her shoulders unwilling to roll, or her feet that just will not stay on the foot rests of the wheelchair once you get them on there.

Also, Mom seems mad at me for something since we left the hospital and here is my take on it. When we were preparing to leave the nurse was removing the tape from the IV and the foley and Mom was not a happy camper. What I SHOULD have done was what I always do and that is leave the room when things that hurt happen so she does not associate it with me. Instead I stayed and held her hand and she looked directly at me screaming to stop while oblivious to the nurse that was doing the deed. Ever since that moment she has looked at me with such contempt. So when does that memory move from short term to not so short term but not really long term so she forgets it? Never ever be present, if you can help it, for negative things!

A nice visit from Bunni, Jamie, Megan and John!

Mom wanted to rest her eyes before company ... unfortunately she rested them before and during!! She did wake up when she heard Bunni talking and smiled really big, saying Hi! But then right back to sleep. She then woke up when Megan and John got here but right back to sleep. Not long after everyone left she woke up ready to party! She keeps looking at the seat where Bunni was sitting like she is waiting for her return. ;( We tried to wake her up but Mom is independent ... she is not going to wake up just because we ask her to!

She is still not 100% but she is better after getting IV Antibiotics at the hospital for a couple of days. I felt like she would do better at home than at the hospital. Hospitals are so detrimental to the elderly. They would have kept her longer but they understood my point so they let us go with oral antibiotics. They wanted to do an MRI but I declined it as I knew it would just scare her and she would not understand the reasoning behind it. Besides if they found something I would not have authorized anything to correct it. They understood that also.

I was very pleased with Harris Methodist Fort Worth ... everyone was genuinely concerned and caring. Loved Mom's Nurses Jami and Colbi!

Hospital stay ...

Thursday Mom woke up with a high fever, tremors and not eating or drinking for the second day. Called Home Health and the Dr. and they suggested the ER especially because of the high fever and not drinking. It is so easy for the elderly to get dehydrated. I am reminded almost daily how fragile she is. So that is where she has been until I got her back home about an hour ago. It is very nice to have her back!

I stayed up at the hospital except when I came home to sleep and so I am telling you my butt was sore by the end of the day from sitting in that chair. I was starting to worry that I was going to get bedsores or chair sores! Another one of those little things to be thankful for ... ya know how when you sit or lay in one place for a long time it starts to kind of hurt? Well when that happens what do we do? We shift our position a little bit because we can! And you know how much relief you get from that. Well think about being unable to move yourself... ugggghhh! So even though my Mom may not say she appreciates it, or maybe she does not associate me "turning" her with relief from one time to the next, I know it has to feel good for her to get turned!

Love Letters: Ray Meets Stella, Whiteflat, Texas 1944

Laverne:

Conflict and Misunderstanding. It must have been difficult to develop a relationship mostly through letters. It appears they were together when they met, then one visit to the farm, off to war, one or two visits after the war then marriage. I imagine that one reason my mother may have been a little unsure about my dad after his first visit was his sense of humor. He does like to joke, and as kids we had to learn to know when he was serious and when he was kidding. I think that my strategy was that, except in the case of politics, I never took him seriously. And that approach seemed to carry over till today. That is good, because whenever someone says something bad to me, I think they didn’t really mean it. That strategy is bad, however, because whenever someone compliments me, I’m inclined to not take that serious either. I think, oh, you just said it to be nice…..

Letter from Dad to Mom:

January 30, 1944

Sunday

Dear Grace Laverne,

I received today your letter of Jan. 28th and I must say that it sure was nice to hear from you. I sure thought that you might be angry with me cause there was no letter to me from you.

I really meant it when I said I had a nice time when I was at your house. I won’t say I had a better time than I did home on furlough. I sure was glad that I am able to go home so often to see the folks. They sure were glad to see me.

I am sorry that you got me all wrong when I said that you were pretty. I really think that you are wonderful and very pretty. I say that because I mean it. I am not saying it just as a line to get you for me. I like you a lot. That is true I never said I love you. I like you because I think that it was sweet of you to consent to write to me, and for Christmas send me a box of candy. Another reason I like you and your family was cause I found that you and your family was only one of the very few families that take in a soldier to spend a week end at their house, and lived up to that Southern hospitality.

That gift I gave you was something I wanted you to have for being so nice to a certain cpl. Is that matter all straightened out between us, and I do hope we keep on as always, good friends.

Love,

Ray

P.S. I think that I really made you angry and I am dreadfully sorry.

P. P.S. I case you could use any sugar stamps, I think I can get hold of some.

P.P.S. In case you want my picture yet, you can still have it.

No whining allowed ...

Ok so I have figured out that I do not like to blog when my Mom has bad days because I do not like to whine about it. So what I will do is blog about those days in the past tense so I can share the problem and the resolution at the same time! I mean think about it ... what if I posted a whiny blog and it was the only blog somebody ever read? They would walk away saying, "Geeez Louise she is a whiny butt .... what a Debbie downer." ;) Then they would be afraid to read again and may never hear the good news. So in a nutshell here is the scoop:

Mom has another UTI
She is not fun to be around
The end

Will share more when there is good news to balance the bad!

Remembering Dad

Today is the 5th Anniversary of the day he passed away. I miss him and it seems as time goes on and I remember more and more I miss him more not less! Looking for pics to post ...

Feeling pretty good about everything ... AFTER FEELING BAD!

My days are actually starting to feel like well oiled machines. And what I have figured out is that if we keep to the schedule all day the evenings are quite peaceful! No yelling, no hallucinating, Mom just sitting in her recliner, us on the couch, sometimes Mom wants to hold hands. When I ask her if she likes sitting in the recliner watching TV with us she says yes but I don't know 'bout that ... she never even looks at the TV! ; ) She is so comfortable here now and everything is becoming so predictable.

My brother came by to see Mom yesterday and I told him how much I realize how hard it must have been for him by himself. I know what it is like to start feeling a need to just get out of the house even if it is to just go to Wal Mart and get a picture frame! I have Louis here though so I have an out. Julian said, "If I could have just gotten away for a week periodically, but I never asked for help and that was my bad!"

I understand it is hard to ask for help sometimes for whatever reason, we do not want to appear weak or appear like we cannot handle it. But I also know that the ONLY way you can take care of others, whether it be your kids, spouse or parent, you must take care of yourself first. Being a martyr is detrimental to everyone in your life. Trust me I would never be accused of being a martyr ... I do take care of myself but as I have gotten older I have gotten more diplomatic about it, as was the case today. I wanted to go get some things for a project I am working on and so in "my mind" I was going to go. But in Louis' mind it was just another day and so he went about his plans like always. We worked it all out but then there is that bit of awkwardness because now he feels bad because he did not think about me and I feel bad because he feels bad because he did not "read my mind". So then we spend 20 minutes convincing each other that we should not feel bad because we might have made the other person feel bad and then before ya know it we are feeling bad for feeling bad which made the other one feel bad! YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN??

So we decided to implement the "No Feel Bad" law. Every afternoon is my time to get out of the house and do my things I might need to do if I need to. Now it will not be every day I will need to do something, since I really hate driving, but the idea that it is my prerogative and he knows to plan around that is liberating for both of us! Yay, I am so excited!

Love Letters with comments - New Years 1943-1944

Me:
Reading Dad's letter below about New Year's Eve and him asking Mom, "Did you all get drunk?" had me laughing out loud! I can pretty much picture anything but I cannot picture my Mom drinking much less drunk!! That concept seems so foreign to me!

Then the part where he talks about how she did not enjoy his company, even though she never said it he could see it in her face. Oh my gosh that is so my Mom, she does not get outwardly excited really so it is hard to read her, hard to know where you stand if you do not know her very well. You figure things out as time goes on and you get to know her better. Understanding things like this about Mom are critical to surviving taking care of her at this time of her life when she cannot verbalize much. You learn how to read each of the slightest changes in her expression and each one is a different emotion. So for example, while your Mom greeted you when you came home for the weekend with outstretched arms, a big old smile and enthusiastic questions, my Mom met us at the door with the corners of her mouth turned up, her eyes a little wider and brighter, and in my heart I knew that she was as excited to see us as your Mom was to see you! It was the way she stood at the door and held it open, the way she had food ready for us, the way her face lit up from the inside out ... her greetings were the best! My Mom was not boisterous with her emotions or physical with her affection but once you know her well enough those slight changes in her expression are magical! It is those expressions that make my day to this day. Obviously my Dad figured them out and he was as smitten with her on the day he died as he was when he was writing these early letters.


Laverne:

The wedding takes place on February 23, 1946. I was born ten months later on December 20, 1946. I imagine Julius and Bessie insisted on a Catholic wedding and that, as is required by the Catholic Church, Ray and Grace agreed to raise all seven of their eventual children Catholic, which they did. It wasn’t a big wedding. Grace wore a new suit. And Stella’s land money must have arrived in time for her to come to Chicago bringing lots of shower gifts from friends and relatives in Texas. I’m sure there was a celebration dinner afterwards, with liquor and kielbasa. Even though Julius always offered whiskey to guests, I never saw anyone drunk. And growing up, mom and dad never drank. Except sometimes they served Mogen David wine at holiday dinners.


Dad's letters to Mom:

December 31, 1943
New Years Eve

Dear Grace,

I had you on my mind so I thought as long as I was thinking of you, I should be writing you. I do hope you don’t mind. I like you so I guess that is why you are on my mind. In a little while it will be New Years, and I won’t be celebrating it cause I took one of the fellow’s place as Charge of Quarters so as he could be home with his wife. I don’t mind cause I don’t drink and all there will be in town is a pile of drunks.

I couldn’t find anything on the radio so things here in the squadron are dead, not a thing is stirring. The whole squadron is practically in town. I’ll bet that town will be a shambles after those guys get finished with it.

I sure was sorry to get C.Q. today cause we were issued new passes and I was going in circles claiming the old passes and issuing new passes.

How did you celebrate your New Years Eve? Did you all get drunk?

I am going to try to come and see you next week. I hope nothing turns up that will keep me away from you. It seems to me like there is something always that comes up when I figure on coming to see you.

There has been nothing new happening here so I think I shall close until I hear from you.

In two minutes the New Year will be here. Here is my New Years Kiss. I’m sorry I can’t give you one personally, cause it sure would be a pleasure and all mine too.

Love Always,
Ray
PS I’m sorry if I act like a silly kid. It’s your fault that you’re so pretty.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Jan. 15, 1944

Dear Grace,

I sure am sorry that I have not answered your letter sooner. I would have but I guess you know by now that I am not a very dependable guy.

I am so sorry that you did not enjoy my company and I sure am sorry I could have not set myself with you in high. I know you never said anything that you disliked my company but I could tell by the expression on your face that you were.

I really did have the swellest time ever, and I think it was awful nice of you to invite me to spend a week-end at your house. I think that you are the swellest girl that I know, and I really mean that. I hope you found your purse and are wearing those cp. Strips I gave you.

I sure had a rough trip from Fr. Worth to Chicago. I had to stand up all the way.

When I left your house I left at 10 a.m. and arrived in San Angelo at 7:30 in the evening. I hitched hiked all the way to San Angelo. It was 283 miles. I did not know it was so far to Matador from Angelo, cause I am not allowed to travel over 250 miles on 3 day passes.
I am enclosing a card I was going to send you but did not.

I have no more news so I guess I’ll be closing until I hear from you. Soon, I do hope.
Love
as ever
Ray

PS Give my regards to the swellest bunch of folks that you have. They sure were grand to me.

Another wonderful day ...

Mom was so great today! She has been witty, sharp, sassy and loving.

For example, when ever I go to her I will say "Mom, are you ready to go have breakfast?" Or have lunch, or have dinner, or sit in the recliner, or go outside ... whatever the case may be. And she always says "Yes". Until today I did not think much of it just figuring she she was being acquiescent, letting me decide what is best. Well the aide called to say she was on the way so I went to wake Mom from her nap and said "Are you ready to get up and take a shower?? She said "No!". I just died laughing, I had never heard her say No. In a little while I went back and tried to reason a little more and she said "I think you should take a turn". Oh my gosh that was so funny! Ya gotta admit ... if you were her would you not think the same thing?

Then this evening I sang "You are my Special Angel" to her and she was so engrossed in it I asked her, "Do you like that song?" She said "Yes, that was pretty". So all you naysayers that do not think I can sing ... HA!! Unfortunately, I only know one verse of that song too!

I also showed her a picture of Warren Earl (her brother who was a Fireman killed in the Watts Riot in Los Angeles) when he was a baby ... her face lit up like a light bulb and she said "Oh yes I remember him". Not sure I have ever seen her light up like that in response to a picture.

After dinner for some reason we were talking about her recipes and sugar cookies came up. I asked her if she wanted me to make her some sugar cookies. She got so excited I envisioned her wolfing them down hot out of the oven so I got right on it! It was funny, as I looked for the recipe I said, "Mom, you would not happen to know it off the top of your head would you?" I had no expectation of a response but she started laughing and rolled her eyes, "No!" she said.

When they were ready I took them out of the oven and rushed them right over and she ate, NOT ONE, NOT TWO, she ate ONE FOURTH of one! Oh my gosh, I do not want all of these cookies around ... MAAAAAHHHHHMMMM you must eat more! I sent them to work with Louis. ; )

Another time, I was getting her ready for bed and it is the usual routine and she does not like it. I get one side of her diaper taped (I refer to them as her pants to her). And then I go to the other side where I say, "Okay Mom, I have to roll you that way so I can get the tape to button your pants". She will say no and then I will say, "Mom, do you want to lay here all night with your pants undone?" And because I know my Mom and I KNOW she does not want that she will say okay. Well that is the way it usually works BUT tonight she says "Yes". Well crap! So then I have to go through this long spiel to convince her that no, she does not want to lay there with her pants undone! She was not really convinced but she did let me roll her BEGRUDGINGLY! It is these times that I build my arm muscles!

This is the mystery of ALZ ... this is the reason I think people talk about how hard it is to take care of a family member with ALZ. It is because you never know what the day will bring and that can be heart wrenching at times.

Some history of Alzheimer's Dementia

Info I got from a Facebook page posted by Stanton Berg that I thought was interesting.

""Time dissipates to shining ether, the solid angularity of facts"..Ralph Waldo Emerson. Emerson died 1882 from Alzheimer's ...it is ironic that he should write this profound statement about memory of facts in time. Just a few things to keep in mind...in 1882, no one ever heard of Alzheimer's /Dementia ...it had not yet been named as a disease even though it appears to have been around since before the birth of Christ. Aloysius "Alois" Alzheimer named AD about 25 years after Emerson died..the CDC and NIH did not put Alzheimer's on the list of causes of death until 1995. Aspiration pneumonia is the leading cause of death of Alzheimer's patients and is directly caused by AD. Death certificates of the 1800s are for the most part hilarious...I listened to a talk one time on death certificates and all the laughs came from the ones recorded in the 1800's...they even put down old age as a cause of death."

Mr. Berg has an informational website on Alzheimer's that has a personal touch to it. http://www.junebergalzheimers.com/

Letter from a strong willed Christian woman ... my Grandmother

Me: The house in Whiteflat Mom grew up in. I have a window from that house hanging in my bathroom. Laverne mentions how Grandmother was not a cuddly grandmother and that is so true, almost an understatement! My brother Ray tells the story about how, because she was so stern and strict, you took her very serious so when she told him that if he wanted the orange he BETTER eat the whole thing so as to not waste it. So he did ... peeling and all! Can you picture that little boy sitting there eating those peels and what he must have been thinking and feeling?

I read this letter to Mom and she giggled! Nothing elicits more genuine smiles from my Mom than these letters I think. It is funny the way ALZ so drastically affects memory but seems to leave the very early memories virtually untouched.


Laverne:
A letter from the mother-in-law-to-be containing advice on premarital sex, 1946


Stella Eugenia Butterfield Tilson, Grace’s mother, was a force to reckon with. She was strong willed, opinionated, and had a clear vision of how life should be based on her daily reading of the Bible. When the eventual wedding date planned for April was pushed up to February she wasted no time in writing to her future son-in-law to give him advice about sex and religion. She didn’t think twice about scolding her grand children when they came to visit. While us kids loved going to Texas for visits, we could never say Stella was the cuddly kind of grandmother you read about in books or saw in movies. Her mother, Gabriella, was a teacher; her father, Andrew Butterfield, was a Methodist missionary among the Indians, and she cared for him during the last days of his life after he and Gabriella broke up housekeeping. That’s what they called divorce. Stella diapered him in bed sheets, washed them and hung them on the line to dry.


Saturday night, early February, 1946

Dearest Ray,

Grace Laverne is planning to leave tomorrow afternoon for Canyon and Monday afternoon for Chicago. So I want to write you this letter in order that you will have received it before she arrives.

I wish she had not insisted on going to Chicago before hand; that the plans had worked out as first arranged, the wedding in the Spring, her, and both of you leaving together. But they didn’t and she is coming to you instead.

Now, I would be right along with her if it were not for the “small” matter of money, so I just have to trust her to your care and protection.

As long as you were here with me you were safe. But with out my protection you might have been swept off your feet. (“You” is plural). Now you will not have that loving supervision. So I am depending on you to keep yourself well in hand. For you know the
paths of love and passion often run side by side and at times are intertwined, so that they are indistinguishable. One doesn’t have to be bad to make a miss-step; they can be mistaken. And two people as much in love as you and Grace Laverne are could make that mistake mighty easy. The result being that immediately your love would turn to hatred. There is a story of just such an occurrence in the Bible, if you care to read it - 2 Samuel, Chapter 13.

Now, if just can’t bare it any longer, you can be married at once. But be sure and let me know for by that time I may have my land money and can come up. Besides, I want Grace Laverne married by a Methodist Minister at the alter rail of my church.

Then there is another thing, Your parents may not believe in so much affection between two persons and they might get shocked. There are very few persons like I am. So be reserved but out in the open also. I can’t stand slipping around or getting off in dark corners. You have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. But even so, I don’t want them to have the wrong opinion of my little girl. I don’t want her lying in your arms; it is going a little too far and is too much of a temptation. Besides, remember, your parents’ opinion is to be considered.

Now, I could say a lot more but I have given you a general outline and you know what I mean. Every thing I have said has been said because I love you, I am glad to give Grace Laverne to you, and I want you to enter life together without a blemish, without a regret to look back on. I think you are the finest young man in the world.
Lovingly,
Mrs. Tilson

Love Letter - December 26, 1943

Me: If my Dad saw this picture of my Grandfather with the shotgun he may not have needed the upcoming letter from my Grandmother about premarital sex!

Laverne: It’s clear Ray, my future Dad has fallen in love with Grace, my future Mom. Looking forward to a three-day pass, he signs his fifth letter “Love.” What has she written him to elicit such a response? Or could it have been the boxes of candy she so carefully wrapped and sent him? He now knows she has brothers in the war, lives on a small west Texas cotton farm, can cook candy, plays basketball, sends well written letters, long and full of details, and he knows that her family, like his, has many wonderful Christmas traditions. I’m sure she has included snippets of life on the farm. In two years the war will be over and they will be making wedding plans. Grace’s mother, Stella, will have written Ray a long letter advising against premarital sex. Something few future mother-in-laws would do today.


December 26, 1943
Sunday Eve

Dear Grace,

I just got back from town and I found your letter waiting for me. It sure is a pleasure to hear from you.

I received the candy in perfect condition. You did a very neat and exceptionally good job in packing it. Not one of the pieces was chipped.

It would be a pleasure to spend my time with you. I’d love it, but I don’t know whether you would like it.

The first three-day pass I get I think I shall take you up on that invitation.

As I mentioned previously in this letter I was in town today. I did some skating but that is all. This town is too darn dead.

Say, is there really a war going and you people back home can’t get sugar? I sure am sorry for you all.

They opened up some bowling alleys here on the field so it means I won’t have to go to town so often.

Thursday it rained like the dickens, and I, in that rain, had to go and target practice. I’m not a very good shot, but if it was a Jap he would have been a dead one.

I don’t have much to write about only that my Christmas was not a very happy one, even though I had most anything I wanted. I really missed the folks. I am glad that I have no girl back home to worry about. I probably would have gone crazy.

In the second place I’m the bashful type. Oh yeah. Any way I think I am. I haven’t found a girl I could really go for so far. I have my eyes on one now. I guess it will take time before I really do know. I guess I have plenty of time. I am only a young guy, won’t be getting old for another year. Ain’t I the silly kid. Guess I’ll close now as ever
With love,
Ray

Feeling like a teenager ...

Today was such a great day with Mom! She was quite sassy, I love it when she is sassy. She laughed and smiled a lot and was very affectionate! She was responsive and put several sentences together which is not that common. Oh my gosh I love it when she is like this ... it is so much like old times! For example, when I feed her sometimes I feel like I rush her and I think to myself, I wish she would tell me to chill if I am rushing her. So today she did, she was chewing, 100 times I guess like her Mother told her, and I was holding another spoonful to her mouth. "Just a minute", she said! Louis and I busted out laughing and I really bragged on her for verbalizing that! Then when I was getting her ready for bed I changed up my routine a bit. Normally I explain everything I am doing as I do it but today I thought I had messed up and had her briefs inside out and so I was investigating. She started yelling, "No, No, stop that". I said, "Oh I am sorry Mom, that was not the normal routine was it?" She said angrily, "No it was not!" So that is okay, that is good, she has learned to expect and accept the normal routine and that is okay for her ... that explains the fact that she has not been getting upset during changes. When the routine strays from the "norm" she lets me know ... that is great! We got past that, and I said goodnight and I love you and she responded "I love you too." Perfect end to a perfect day.

So why do I feel like a teenager? Because do you remember having the boy or the girlfriend that seemed to think you were everything to them one day and the next day you were a nobody and it went back and forth, a roller coaster ride? Honestly, I never had that relationship because I either never had the self esteem to keep going back for more or I knew I never wanted to feel that bad again so I high tailed it. Once they ignored me the first time I was done!

Well that is the way it is with Mom, one day she totally thinks I hung the moon and the next she treats me like I have a disease, almost mean at times! And my emotions are very teenager'ish during these swings too ... when she is sweet I am giddy ... when she is rude I want to say "Whatever, fine then, I do not have to take this ya know!" But I do not, I just keep a bit more distance between us than I do when we feel like family.

So what will tomorrow bring? Do you think 84 year old women have PMS? Because sometimes I wonder!

Love Letter - December 20, 1943

From Laverne:
Dad's parents Julius and Bessie immigrated to America in 1917. Julius was a barber in downtown Chicago. Haircuts were 25 cents. Eventually he bought his own shop in a Polish neighborhood on the north side. As a result of Julius’ investments in real estate, every time we went to visit they lived in a different apartment building. They always seemed rich to us kids. They had plastic on their living room furniture, gave us huge Easter Baskets covered with cellophane and $5 bills were slipped in birthday cards. Bessie was what’s known today as a stay at home mom raising three sons. When we went to visit in the sixties she let us know that she did not like the “Polish jokes” that were so prevalent at the time. Of course they didn’t bother us kids. We were once removed. Apparently, the northerners have had their Polish and Irish, the southerners have had their blacks. Last night we watched Ken Burns Documentary, “The West.” revealing the degree to which the westerners have had their Indians. Today it seems many Americans basically have all immigrants to fear.

From Me: - If Dad had only known that 3yrs later to the day of this letter Mom would be delivering their first baby!

From Dad to Mom:

December 20, 1943
Dear Grace,

I received your letter today and I must say that it sure was sweet of you to send me that box of candy. It sure was good. That was the first piece of home made candy I had since getting into the Army. I sure wish that I had a girl friend something like you to send me home made goodies.

I guess I’ll have to wait till after the war to dream. I sure must say that the letter you sent me was a very interesting one and I really do enjoy your letters cause they are not short notes like mine.

How did you all make out in the basketball game the other night? Tuesday, I guess it was. I hope that your team won. Also how did your team make out Friday?

If you and I played basketball against each other I’m afraid that I would loose. In a school our size they had all the kinds of recreation you could think of. They had four football teams and all were class one teams. They had the same amount of baseball teams. We have also some swimming teams, basketball teams, soccer teams, tennis teams, boxing teams wrestling teams, fencing, etc. I guess our class was slightly bigger than yours, by 1150, only.

Boy! I sure do wish that I could hang my stocking up Christmas Day and get it filled like the times before the war and when I was young and innocent.

Boy! Reading that letter about how you spent Christmas reminded me of the ones I spent at home. I can’t help it, if I am sentimental that I got tears in my eyes when I read that. I guess I’ll just miss those good old home Christmas days.

I never was able to catch Santa Claus filling up my stocking. Did you ever catch him at work? Say, will you please tell me how far it is to Matador, Texas from San Angelo. I do hope I can take you up on that visit to your house. I’d think it would be a lot of fun spending time with you in a small town.

Nothing of importance has happened here, same old routine day in and out. Saturday evening I went to the show and saw the pictures “Appointment in Berlin” and “Gals Inc.” I would say the pictures were fair.
Sunday afternoon I went skating. I did not enjoy myself. Don’t know the reason why.

We sure do have a nice Christmas tree in our living room. (The Army calls the living room the day room.)

Today I started my target practice. I’ll tell you at the end of the week how I made out.

I went to a show today. I saw the picture, “The North Star” and that sure was a good picture.

I’ll guess I’ll close until I hear from you. So I guess I’ll close with love.

Always
Ray

PS I am enclosing a kiss for you for Christmas and also one for New Years. I hope you don’t mind.

Why??

Mom is not as enthused by my conversation or activities as I am. I want her to be excited about things like she was when we were younger and she would come visit. Like my sister Laverne, I am so disappointed Mom and Dad did not grow old the way they had figured they would. Sometimes I get this crushing feeling in my chest and it is almost hard to breathe and I want to scream "WHY? Why did they not get to experience old age like they dreamed? They were good people, good parents, good neighbors, they did everything right. It is not like they get another chance, a do over. WHY?!" I used to think the only consolation was that they did not know the difference but being around Mom I think sometimes she does know enough to have sadness and regret. But chances are Mom and Dad, if they were who they were before the Big A they would remind me of this Bible verse:

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Ya know I am not sure our family, the 7 kids, would have reconnected across the miles if Mom and Dad had not gotten sick and conversations about plans for the future had not happened. So maybe that was the bigger plan and I am definitely thankful for that. Just another opportunity for Mom and Dad to do for their kids.

Mom and Dad were such good parents, so accepting, non-judgmental, complimentary (not overly but just enough to make you know it was sincere). Knowing that is what keeps me going now. Just like I try to make decisions based on what I believe she would have wanted back then, I take her moods and her sometime grumpiness with a grain of salt because I know that if she were not battling ALZ she would not be like that.

Mom is so tired ...

Mom is so tired and it is hard to tell why she is so tired. All of her vital signs are good, no temperature, no odor so UTI seems resolved. She is dead weight like I have never seen before, it is definitely a workout when I work with her!

I talked to Sarah the nurse at All Star and she attributes it to the advancing disease. Okay, well I can accept that for now since there is nothing else going on with her that would make me skeptical. Her hand and foot were swollen but the PT and the nurse elevated them and they are much better now.

I also talked to Sarah about the gel mattress that is supposed to be on order. I turn her every 2 hrs, alarm is set on my phone. I do not overnight though so I can get my sleep. If I do not take care of me I cannot take care of her.

So it is about 4pm and go in to check on Mom and she is wide awake, smiling and ready for a snack. Oh my goodness I hope she does not have her days and nights mixed up. They say that is common with Alzheimer's.

Got her shower, will have dinner and then out for a walk. But I wonder if maybe getting outside would be best done in the early part of the day. Sunshine energizes me and if that is the case with her then she might not be sleeping well and that is why she is tired in the day. I think I will skip the walk today and see what happens tomorrow.

No hospitals for Mom

One of the reasons I am certain Mom has a lot more going on it that little head of hers than one might think! Sometimes her jaw shuts down like a vice and her eyes seem to say NO FOOD OR MEDICINE SHALL PASS THIS WAY! But one time out of fear and/or desperation because I knew she needed her medicine I said, "Mom if you do not take your medicine the doctor will say you have to go to the hospital and get those needles in your arm." Her mouth pops open like a little bird! She is a smart cookie!

Love Letter - December 29, 1943

Dear Grace,

I just received your picture and I must say you sure are a fascinating young lady. I had some pictures taken and so I will send you one as soon as I can.

Have you a telephone? If you have, will you please give me the phone number? If you have no phone tell me how I could get in touch with you in case I should ever come to Matador. I sure do hope I get a three-day pass soon. I sure would like to see you. Say what is it that you have done to me that I want to see you so bad? I hope you did not hypnotize me.

I would be writing more but I can’t. I am at work now and so I’ll write more, later. I guess I shall close until we hear from each other again. I close with love,
Yours,
Ray

P.S. Her is that New Years Kiss…
9pm x
10 pm x
11 pm x
12 pm X

Love Letter - December 10, 1943

Grace Lavern Tilson, 1943 - High School

Laverne:
Last night Larry and I watched “Nightjohn” about a slave who breaks the law and teaches a younger slave to read. A disturbing story, not only because of what happens in the film, but also because of how it reveals a part of my own past. Through letters Dad introduces his family to the young woman he met in a bus station in Texas. She was a junior at Matador High School, about to turn seventeen. They come from two very different backgrounds; Dad, a Catholic, Yankee, son of Polish immigrants, who grew up in a Polish neighborhood in Chicago, spoke Polish at home, English at school. Mom is the daughter and granddaughter of West Texas cotton farmers, teachers and preachers. Some of my ancestors were missionaries among the Indians, others were Confederates. And even though the story passed down was, “We treated our colored people good,” they were still slave-holders. Ray and Grace would not have been called boundary crossers back then. But Mom’s mother, Stella, let it be know that she was not happy about her daughter marrying a Catholic. However, she did see the eventual marriage as a way out for Grace and an opportunity for a better life.


Letter to Mom from Dad:

Service Club

San Angelo Army Air Field

Bombardier School

San Angelo, Texas

December 10, 1943

Dear Grace,

I received your letter dated December 6 and I sure did like it. I really never did expect a letter as long as you wrote for the short one I wrote. I am very sorry that my letter was so short. I hope and pray that my letter compares at least ¼ to yours. It was really, but really interesting.

I am so sorry to hear that you were so late to get in. Boy when ever I am late like that I hear about it, from my guardian, the commanding officer.

Say, that demerit system of yours is really something. Any time you want a three day vacation you just ask for it by being bad. I guess I would like that very much.

I just got out of the show. Did I ever see a crummy picture—- “Gangway For Tomorrow.” I’ll bet you’re wondering why I do this—-put a line like that—-well that makes my letters seem longer. You’ll be—-surprised it makes my letters about two lines longer. After I finish writing you this letter I will probably wind up laying bingo at the Service Club. Today is Bingo night.

I have two bothers and oh, yes, I also have a mother and father—-One of my brothers who is two years older than I am is in the Army in Italy. I shouldn’t say Army, cause he is in the Air Corps. He also is a Staff Sgt. Like your brother Bill, or W.R. as you call him. The last I heard from him he was in Naples. My younger brother is still a civilian, but I figure he will be in the Army as soon as he turns eighteen in May.

My dad is a Barber and on the side he buys and sells houses or cars. It seems to me every time I go home I find the folks have a new car for me. I sure do love cars.

I sure was glad you did not think I was rude talking to you at the bus station. I really did figure a beautiful girl like you would either be married or engaged. I figured also that you were about seventeen. As for being engaged, girls back home get engaged when they are 16.

I was so sorry that I was not able to see more of you. In case I should ever be in your neck of the woods would you mind if I visited you?

Say, as long as you are going to have a picture made, have one made for me. Please.

I guess I’ll give you little about myself. I am 21 years old, just turned 21, the 20th of October. I am from the state of Illinois and the city of Chicago. I graduated in 1940 from the biggest high school in the world. The name of it is Lane Technical High School. Its an all boys school and there are about 9,000 fellows enrolled. I graduated from a 4 year technical course wilth 1200 other guys. After finishing school I went to work in a Radio Co. I worked there a little over 2 years, and then I enlisted in the Air Corps. Ever since then I have been sdtationed here in San Angelo. My job here is one of the spokes in the wheel that helps train Bombardiers. I’ll guess I’ll close so until I hear from you I remain as ever.

Ray

Please write soon and send me a picture if you don’t mind.

Love Letter

I am going to post the letters my sister Laverne is posting to her blog from my Dad to my Mom. For those of you that do not know, my Mom was born and raised in Whiteflat, TX and met my Dad in the Fort Worth Bus Station.

Laverne:
When my dad asked my mom about her family I imagine that she told him she was the fifth of seven children, that her dad was a cotton farmer, that most people in west Texas earned their living farming, raising cattle, or having a business in town. She probably didn’t tell him that when he came to visit he would have to use an outhouse.


Letter from Dad to Mom:
December 3, 1943

Dear Grace,

I hope you remember me. I met you in the bus station when you were awaiting a bus to go home. I would have written sooner only I pretty much work to catch up on what was piled up on me while on three day pass.

Here is hoping that your trip home was satisfactory. My trip in was uneventful, only that I was a few hours late coming into camp.

How are they treating you in school? If they get rough with you just tell them you know me.

Say, tell me what you do for on consecutive week in a small town like you live in. Have you any brothers, sisters? The most important item is that are you engaged? ‘Cause it seems to me all the pretty girls are engaged.

Last night I went to the show and saw the picture , “Guadalcanal Diary.” I really did like it. Have you a bowling alley there? Any theaters or any other forms of recreation? What do the people do for a living?

I guess I might be boring you with all these questions so I think I shall close until I hear from you.

Ray

After dinner walk

The Confessional

In an earlier post I talked about how the biggest change for me has been that my life is more structured. Actually though I think I learned today that having Mom here is just an excuse to be more structured and can turn into a license to enforce it unfairly! I am so much more productive and happier when my life is structured and scheduled and so when something interferes with that ...

That is where the confessional comes in. I have debated whether to even talk about this but it is a part of Mom being here and how it can affect relationships. Yesterday Louis loaded the dishwasher and I know he was proud of that because he told me he did. That is not a usual thing for him to do because I am weird about "the loading the dishwasher job". He probably wishes he had not told me since he knows I probably would have possibly thought I did and forgot! So this morning my "structured" routine begins and when I get to the "open the dishwasher" moment my world as I know it STOPS! My whole schedule is disrupted because I will have to start over with caked on food! The dishes are GROSS ... food everywhere ... a frying pan and a baking pan lay across the top basket with food still stuck in it! My mind races ... how many times have I told everyone, "YOU MUST basically WASH the dishes BEFORE you put them in the dishwasher AND you CANNOT lay large items ACROSS the top basket!!". I yell "LOUIS! These dishes are gross, you have to wash them before you put them in this stupid dishwasher, and there is stuff laying across the top! Better yet do not load the dishwasher!!" Then I make him come look at the mess so he can see I am not exaggerating. He is so calm, never says a word. He knows I have enough on my plate and would never add to that. My schedule for today is all messed up ... by probably 15 minutes!! I know that is not a lot but it seemed huge at the time! So he goes to bed, he has been working all night, and I proceed to fix his mess!

Then I see the water in the bottom of the dishwasher and I think, "Now that is weird, he could not have created that problem." And then it hit me ... Oh my goodness ... I remember now, the electricity went off yesterday and we did not restart the dishwasher, hence the biggest part of the problem with the dishes! Oh I feel like crap ... do I tell him? Or do I let him just think he messed up?

He gets up and first thing he does is give me a hug and he says he is sorry. As I take that apology in, almost getting to the gloating stage, I crater, knowing I cannot do it and I say, "Well I am sorry too ...". And I tell him the "rest of the story". So we are all good but the moral of the story is for me ... to make ALL of the relationships work in this situation I still have to go with the flow like I always do. Mom will be fine if we fluctuate some.

The brain with Alzheimer's

The brain on the left is a normal brain, the one on the right is with ALZ, and the one below shows the size difference in the two. It definitely helps to understand why a person with this disease has disconnects!

Who am I?

Early on in the Alzheimer's/Dementia journey I think Mom knew I was a daughter but could not put a name on a face. Then she got to where she knew my face was familiar but could never quite place it. You could see the struggle in her eyes as she tried to sort out the pieces of her memory. In January 2010 when I became her primary care "person" I was the person that she thought might rescue her from the care center she was at. I am not even sure at that time she knew I was family and she sure did not know my name. But she did make me feel special when I walked in. She was always so glad to see this Knight-ette in shining armor.

As time went on and we survived injuries and illnesses and hospital stays we became more and more connected but still if I told her I was her daughter she would be genuinely shocked and say "Really?" or "You are?" or "No you are not!". That was okay though because I knew I was important to her no matter who I was. ;) We were at a different stage in life and I was okay with being the person I was to her at that time.

Then she moved to Avalon and for a while to her I became the Knight-ette again coming to rescue her. After she settled in there I went back to being her "person". One time at a cookout, to get my attention, I was almost positive she said "Bev". I tried to get her to say it again, to say who I was but never could. So I don't know, maybe she was saying she wanted to go to "bed", or she wanted a "bev"erage, or who knows maybe it was not even her talking!! It was not like her to call me Bev, she usually said Beverly. Then one day while still at Avalon I was pushing her outside for our Vitamin D and for whatever reason I was out of sight for longer than usual and she started looking around and then asked Barry, "Where is my friend?". About that time I came around to her line of vision and she said, "Oh there you are!". So I was her friend now! I liked that ... that is a nice place to be with her. So I know Mom knows me as someone special but I do not think she connects me to the person in the family pictures

And then yesterday at the table I am positive she was calling my name. She was pretty insistent, and so I did not delay, I mean she is my Mom! ; ) She said, "Be- er-ey". I feel very confident that she was calling for her daughter that time and that was wonderful! Who would have ever thought your Mom calling your name, and sounding like you were in trouble for something, would ever sound so good!

So last night when she got fearful as usual when we are getting ready for bed, her face strained, staring at the wall I remind her, "Mom, look at me, it is just me Beverly", and she relaxes and settles. I think she knows me now. ;)

In Appreciation ...

"Feeling appreciated is one of the most important needs that people have. When you share with someone your appreciation and gratitude, they will not forget you. Appreciation will return to you many times." Steve Brunkhorst

I have received many nice comments regarding my blog in email, in messages, on Facebook, and on the blog itself and they are so very much appreciated. They really do energize me, not only with the blog itself, but in my relationship with Mom. So each of you that take the time to say that you appreciate and enjoy the blog, you recharge my batteries. And so you should know that you are very much a part of helping me make my Mom's life the very best it can be at this very difficult time for her! Thank You!

Gait Belts are the ticket!

The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance - it is the illusion of knowledge. - Daniel J. Boorstin

And here is a perfect example of that quote played out. A week ago the OT came and one of the things she suggested was a gait belt for Mom. So when she left I called the medical supply company and ordered one and then I searched online to learn exactly what it was and how it was used. After that I thought, "whatever, Mom is not nearly mobile enough or strong enough to make one of those useful. That OT has just not been around Mom enough to know that." So I called the med supply company back, canceled the order and we continued on believing some things are just meant to be hard!

A couple of days ago the PT comes and she pulls out a gait belt and I think "Ha she is in for a big surprise, she has just not been around my Mom enough, that thing will never work!". But I am polite and do not say anything (thank goodness) and I go along with her waiting for her to discover that on her own. Whoa, wait a minute, did you see that? Did you see how easily she got Mom out of bed with that silly belt?

Ok, Ok so I will get one but it will never work for me, it worked for her because she is more experienced, she is bigger and stronger. But I do not want to be difficult to work with so I will go along. She comes again yesterday and now it is my turn to try it. She shows me how to stand and I listen, thinking, "Yea, uhhuh, right, I hope she is close enough to catch Mom when she slips out of my arms".

Here goes ... "Okay, Mom, lets try this, one, two, three". Up, over and there she is in the middle of the wheelchair sitting straight up! Oh my goodness! Now back to the bed we go, 1, 2, 3, up, over and there she is on the bed! And there was no sensation of strain in my back AT ALL!! The PT tells me not only did I do a good job but that I did a great job!

I cannot tell you how liberating this is! We do not have to wait on Louis ... we are INDEPENDENT WOMEN we told him. So this morning by the time he got home from work, Mom was up, dressed, teeth brushed, hair combed, and eating breakfast. Woo Hoo!

Alright ... go ahead and say it ... I wasted a lot of time because I "thought" I was sooooo smart! ;)

The Comeback Kid

Mom is the Comeback Kid if there ever was one! This morning she sat on the side of the bed by herself, she held her arms around my neck for the transfer from bed to chair, she is holding her head up so much straighter, she took her glass from me and drank not one but three glasses BY HERSELF, and she ate a cracker BY HERSELF! This is all stuff she could not do yesterday with the physical therapist!!

You cannot keep a good woman down ... ; )

Vitamin D time...

Getting our daily dose of Vitamin D! On this picture I was trying to get Mom to look at me and then I gave up, figuring she wanted to do the "gazing at something out there" look like the super models do!

Fixing dinner ...

This is one of the best times of the day for us because Mom very much enjoys all of us being in the kitchen talking and cooking. Based on her memories (and mine) that is such a normal place for her to be, she is very relaxed and that is a big deal because this is her tough time of day mood wise!

This makes me think of Mom and though it sounds sarcastic it is a huge compliment to her:

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. - Buddy Hackett

A wonderful day!

It has been a wonderful day with Mom! She has been alert enough to hang out in the recliner morning and afternoon! And she is really listening to conversations I have, interjecting laughs and smiles at appropriate times. It is a good day. ; )

Bouncing back ...

So yesterday I hit a rough patch because Mom was having such a hard time. It seemed the sky was falling. So I post to the blog about the dire situation and then go get Mom up and lo and behold what do I see? A big old smile on her face, clear eyes and alert. So if you read that post before I deleted it disregard. I would say that Mom is between Stage 6 and Stage 7 as shown on alz.org which is not great but it is LOTS better! Looking forward to seeing what today brings ...

This is hard ...

This is hard! Not because of the tasks involved but the learning curve. Mom's whole composition is so different now and so fragile. My learning process has been reactive instead of proactive and that is hard. Every time I think I am getting it figured out ... never mind I am not. When an elderly person gets sick it is not just a matter of getting well because every little thing affects them long term really. They lose a little bit more that they do not get back.

I really expected Mom to do better here but because of the UTI that coincided with her move she has really deteriorated. In my head I know that it was just timing but in my heart it is easy to fall into this place where I feel like despite all of my best laid plans, attention, and intention her life really sucks now. My only hope and prayer now is that when she finishes this new round of antibiotic she will bounce back and be at least some semblance of her old self.

Arrange the pieces that come your way ...

Arrange the pieces that come your way - Virginia Woolf. I love this quote. I think Virginia was probably talking about things like when my nephew had an accident and ended up in a wheelchair and my older sister, headed down a path of her own, just moved right on to what was to be her new path, taking care of Donnie. She had her pieces arranged and then so calmly (I mean she seemed calm to me) added the new pieces to her existing pieces and rearranged. I was always impressed by that!

Well I had a situation today that kind of falls into that quote though not as impressive as Laverne's situation. My pieces were Mom's bed, her wheelchair, the hoyer blanket, the hoyer and the shower chair. So the plan is that when Louis works he gets her out of bed to the wheelchair w/ the hoyer blanket in it in the morning. Then I can use the hoyer to get her back in bed for nap and out again. Oh it was not problem getting her in the bed but when it came time to get her out ... that is another story. When I set her down in the chair she looked more like she was the long side of a right triangle, her bottom half on the chair and half off. I tried using the hoyer blanket from behind the chair to pull her up but since her legs were slanted down it was too much for me, having to pull her up and back, she was not moving.

Ugggghhhh ... were we just going to have to have another one of those sing-a-longs until Louis was available? I thought surely I can figure out something and I did! I got the shower chair and put it in front of her and put her legs on it so her legs were horizontal, I was then able to pull her back to a position where she was more like the 2 shorter sides of the triangle. ; ) Mom and I were so proud! Really I think she could not have cared less but anyway I arranged the pieces that came my way so as to make the situation work, right? I am pretty good at that and I know I got that from my Dad. Louis is always in awe of my ability to figure out something to make what ever it is I am doing work. It may not always be the most ideal way but it always works. Now when he is around I tend to lean more heavily on him because it is nice to get a break from my ingenius ideas.

I cannot underestimate how fragile an elderly person's skin is. If you are ever taking care of someone older be very cognizant of that. Feet on pillows in bed so that their heels do not touch the bed. Good tight fighting sheets, those made with cotton t-shirt type material are best. Try to limit the wrinkles and folds in their clothes that are between their skin and the sheets. Put a smooth folded sheet between the bedpad and the sheet on the bed to use to move them on the bed. It takes 2 people but each take a side, grab the sheet and 123 pull!

Mom is feeling better, I was actually thankful for her jabbering because I knew she was getting to be her old self. I am thinking though she does not have to do it anymore, I am convinced! ; ) But she is moody and if I am extra tired or hormonal it is hard not to take it personal. I am worried sometimes she is moving to the stage where she forgets how to swallow. She chews forever, I often have to coax her to swallow. I ask her, "Did your Mother tell you to chew each bite 100 times?", that usually always gets a smile from her. If she loses the ability to swallow I think it would be a bad thing because I would never do a feeding tube.

Home Health ... the key.

The nurse came today. We use All Star Home Health and so far we are very pleased with them. They are attentive, usually quick to show up when needed and they seem to take things serious and are not flippant about things I am concerned about. Except for yesterday afternoon the nurse was supposed to come and no showed. Apparently she got lost and her phone lost charge so she could not call me. That was okay but one thing I am learning is to not plan Mom's day around appt. times. I am going to always keep to my schedule and when someone shows up Mom and I will fit them in! Hmmmm so keep in mind, the next time you are sitting and waaaaaaiiiiiting in a dr's office, that there may come a time you are on Home Health and you will get to keep them waiting!!

She has a friction sore on her heel. So once again a live and learn for me. ;( As people get older their skin is so thin making it so vulnerable. From now on Mom's feet on a pillow so heels do not touch the mattress, no canvas tennis shoes and making sure her feet are up high enough when pushing her in the wheelchair. She has the steps for her feet but she tends to take her feet off of them (without asking) which is why she has a scrape on her other leg that bled terribly even though it was only a very minor scrape.

As for the UTI she is so much better today! If you ever notice an elderly person going through a sharp decline suddenly, think UTI! She smiled at me when I woke her up, ate good, gave treats to the pups ... well kinda, I put the treat in her hand then pulled the pups over to her hand to get it. She still seemed to like it, feeling as though she did it.

My Revelation

I am starting on a new schedule this week because I feel like to do what is important to me I need to get up early. So I get up before daylight to do my pilates, stuff around the house and then when the sun starts coming up I can get most of my watering done outside. When I finish that is when Mom gets up and we have breakfast and she can sit outside with me to finish the watering. It seems when this is the way my day starts the rest of the day just works.

I watched a National Geographic program about studies on baboons regarding stress and so this morning I had a revelation. What I am doing now with Mom does NOT cause me stress ... what causes me stress is everyone telling me how stressed I must be and what I need to do to avoid stress. Talking about stress causes stress! Is taking care of people in Mom's shape my calling? No, I do not think so but I do feel good when I care for Mom and I believe the best stress reliever is giving of yourself. I am not perfect though ... I do have moments where Mom frustrates me and I have to leave the room or redirect my attention. And I am cognizant of making sure I take care of me too. So I was thinking, my life has not changed that much with Mom here except to put more structure in it which I think is the way I function the best anyway. I have never been one to feel the need to go places or get out of the house. I have always been quite content puttering around my house, working on projects. Everybody says, oh you need to make sure you get out, hire respite care. And I am sitting there this AM trying to figure that into my new life and I realize why would I do that now when I never did go, go, go? Louis said the good thing about the new structure is we are more inclined to take advantage of our opportunities for date nights when the girls are here to sit with Mom instead of always putting it off.

And then I had another revelation, I do not think I have ever had real stress in my life for a long time because of my faith and it reminds me that I just do not know how people live happy lives without faith in God and a belief in Jesus. If I had to carry the weight of my life on my shoulders it would suck. It is so nice to be able to Let go and Let God. I believe that if I get up every day, put one foot in front of the other, work hard, do my best to do as Jesus would do, God will work everything out in a way that is best for me. I may not always understand His plan but I always believe He has a plan and it is a good one. So no I do not have stress because I believe God has me where He wants me and that is good enough for me.

UTI, etc.

Mom has been on a decline which at first I attributed to the change of living arrangements but had them test for a UTI since they are so detrimental to the elderly. Yesterday she was so out of it it was scary. Finally got the antibiotic at 230pm and gave it to her. By the evening she was noticeably better! I cannot wait until tonight after a 2nd dose to see even more improvement.

Last night though I did notice also that her eye has gunk in it so when the nurse comes in the AM to check out her sore on her heel I will ask her about that! Geez Louise, I told Mom that I guess she is finally getting too old ... she is just falling apart! ; )

On a more serious note though I do have moments where I feel to blame for moving her and putting this stress on her but I quickly banish that. Then I think maybe her playing the guinea pig to my learning process is not fair to her but then I banish that thought because the alternative is out of the question!