Why??

Mom is not as enthused by my conversation or activities as I am. I want her to be excited about things like she was when we were younger and she would come visit. Like my sister Laverne, I am so disappointed Mom and Dad did not grow old the way they had figured they would. Sometimes I get this crushing feeling in my chest and it is almost hard to breathe and I want to scream "WHY? Why did they not get to experience old age like they dreamed? They were good people, good parents, good neighbors, they did everything right. It is not like they get another chance, a do over. WHY?!" I used to think the only consolation was that they did not know the difference but being around Mom I think sometimes she does know enough to have sadness and regret. But chances are Mom and Dad, if they were who they were before the Big A they would remind me of this Bible verse:

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Ya know I am not sure our family, the 7 kids, would have reconnected across the miles if Mom and Dad had not gotten sick and conversations about plans for the future had not happened. So maybe that was the bigger plan and I am definitely thankful for that. Just another opportunity for Mom and Dad to do for their kids.

Mom and Dad were such good parents, so accepting, non-judgmental, complimentary (not overly but just enough to make you know it was sincere). Knowing that is what keeps me going now. Just like I try to make decisions based on what I believe she would have wanted back then, I take her moods and her sometime grumpiness with a grain of salt because I know that if she were not battling ALZ she would not be like that.